[Raging Idiot]

I even said just send me another Touch Pro.
She was keying it in and then said "Oh, apparently we can't send you another one because it doesn't show any of these issues as being a known problem, so you'll need to bring it to a repair center".
That is clearly just a cover.
It is likely there is something in the notes or something in the system that essentially blocks any swaps when some criteria is met. Perhaps because I'm listed as getting the Sprint Employee discount (never actually been an employee with them) or perhaps it's just because they gave me a huge discount when I got the Touch Pro. I don't know. This may be a HUGE YMMV. The notes on my account may be tainted by an angry store rep after I corrected him on 3 lies he told in front of customers right before he was forced to give me a deal which he swore he couldn't do.
Or perhaps the system is based on how much money they've made off your account.
If it's none of the above then I must say that the rep I spoke with must surely have been boldly lieing when saying it was the "system" that wouldn't allow me the swap.